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o_yannik
28 November 2006 @ 10:00 am
Year of Hell - Chapters Five and Six  
Title: Year of Hell 5/12 & 6/12
Rating: T
Warnings: mentions of suicide, suicidal attempts;
Spoilers: Lay Down Your Burdens - “Missing Year” filler;
Character/s: Lee Adama, ensemble;
Beta: [info]ammonite7
Disclaimers: the characters and the universe of “Battlestar Galactica” do not belong to me;
Summary: I believe there was more to the weight gain, and Lee’s bad moods, than just misunderstandings with Kara Thrace. And I wish Kara at least tried to be Lee’s friend;
Author’s note: Read and please let me know that you did.
Chapter Four

Year of Hell – Chapter Five
FAREWELL
---
The kiss was soft. Almost like a dream, almost unreal. But only “almost”. It was real, and the reality of it frightened Lee. Could he throw himself into it? Could he forget? Forget what exactly?
He pulled away from her, and before he could think he whispered, “I’m sorry.”
Kara’s face shrunk, her gaze fell to the floor. He could swear she was actually joyful that split second ago, before the words fell from his lips, and he wasn’t sure what emotions it fetched in him. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to allow himself to feel them, really.
She looked up then, suddenly. “You’re sorry, because…” she hesitated. “Why?”
His breath caught in his throat.
“You regret that?” she urged.
“I shouldn’t have done it,” he admitted finally, barely above a whisper.
“Not your fault, exactly,” she said harshly. “Not like you were… you know… the only one guilty of committing this crime. There is a collaborator here.” She bit her lower lip and looked at him expectantly.
But he really didn’t know what to say. Won’t happen again – somehow didn’t seem like the right thing to say at this very moment. “We’re both in a relationship…” he settled for a safer option.
“Relationship” Kara snorted, her eyes wandering off. She focused on him a moment later. “You don’t love Dualla either,” she said quietly and bombshelled him again.
Lee wasn’t sure what he should react to first – her blunt judgment of his love-life and the fact that she apparently considered it her very own opportunity to display her judgmental talents; or the fact that she used the word “either.” And what exactly did she mean by that? And… before he realized he was over-thinking again, she cut in:
“Oh, c’mon! Everybody knows that! I think even she does – she’s not dumb, not really, you know.”
And that was that. That was what tripped the balance of Lee’s indecision about what he was supposed to do.
“This won’t happen again” he said icily. “And you will stop being so patronizing when talking about my girlfriend.”
“Right.”
“Very right. This…” he pointed his finger between them, and he felt a kind of deja vu, it seemed so ironic. “This was a mistake, a moment of weakness - that won’t happen again.”
Kara clenched her jaw and put on her Starbuck mask.
The moment was gone; all he could do was turn to leave. He did leave, fighting the bitter taste in his mouth. Then he heard her soft call, “Lee.”
He turned, surprised.
She took two steps forward. “Does she…” she hesitated, as if it was taking all her strength to ask this question. It probably did. “Does she at least know what’s happening with you? Because I don’t, and if she does…then maybe…. Maybe it’s bet…” she choked on the word, bowed, hid her face from him.
And he stood there, silent, because he knew exactly what she was referring to, and he knew that Dualla had no idea there even was a problem. Nobody had any idea, and actually it was good, it was safe. It was better that way. But Kara couldn’t take it. And she wouldn’t believe if he lied and told her that Dee knew. So he stayed silent...and turned away, but didn’t escape before she glanced up and caught a glimpse of truth in his eyes.
It didn’t matter though. It just didn’t matter.
---
Dee looked so different when she wasn’t wearing the uniform. But it still felt odd to call her Anastasia. Dee was too uncaring though. If he really loved her… If Kara wasn’t right about that…. Did Dee…did Anastasia really know he didn't love her?
She smiled at him in the mirror, but he could sense nervousness underneath.
“Button me up, please,” she repeated her request. Lee realized he was standing behind her with his fingers on her arms, just staring ahead. He began fastening her neat blouse.
“I’m sorry, D…” he halted on her name again. “I mean…”
“You know what?” she pulled up her hair, showing the curve of her neck to him, making buttoning easier. “I’ll tell you a secret. My father used to call me Nasti. Or Nastia. I didn’t like it.” She looked at him in the mirror, smirking again, “It sounded as if I was nasty or something, but I guess I could learn to like it. Plus it brings memories of home.” Her smile turned into a sad, grieving one. And then she spun to face him. She lay her hands on his chest. “I’m not nasty, am I?” She asked so softly, without looking up, that he barely understood her.
“Nasty? What? Why?”
“Nothing…” she sighed, and pushed apart, but before they really separated, she whispered something more “I thought I saw Billy today.” She glanced up. “Stupid, isn’t it?” She tried to smile, but Lee saw clearly, that whatever happened earlier that day had shaken her to the core. “We should get going,” she hurried on, “the Admiral and the Pres…Madam Roslin I mean…they are probably waiting.”
They left the officer’s quarters and walked along the corridor, but Dee continued talking as if her life depended on it. Lee barely listened, he could barely understand what she was referring to. “I wish she was still the President, everything would be normal then. I mean normal, like… I was already getting used to this life; everyone moving down to the planet freaks me out somehow. I know that what we tried to do was somehow wrong, trying to fix it and all, and Gaeta had all rights to report on us, but I could hate him for this. And for what he did now, you know that he became Baltar’s aide? Like Billy used…” she choked, and finally stopped the tirade. It was so unlike her.
“Dee… Nastia…” Lee turned her towards him and held her arms tightly. He had no idea why this memory of Billy affected her so. And why now? “Darling? Everything is okay.”
She sniffed. “Let’s go.” Freed herself from his arms, and left him looking at her back moving down the corridor. Kara had asked if Dualla knew what was going on with him, and he just realized that he had no idea what was going on with her - the girl he was supposed to love. She had been through quite a trauma, and he thought it had taken no toll on her. That was unlikely wasn’t it?
He quickly followed her. It was their duty – the ex-president deserved a proper send-off. Later he and… Nastia could start worrying about each other.
When they entered the Admiral’s quarters, everyone was already there. Bill Adama, Laura Roslin, both Tighs and Tory Foster. Briefly Lee wondered why Kara was not invited. After all, she was the President’s chosen one – a soldier with a mission to retrieve the Arrow of Apollo. The one, who – by answering the President’s request – nearly caused the whole Fleet to fall apart.
Lee smacked himself mentally – he shouldn’t be thinking that. Not right now.
“I’m glad you could make it, Commander.” Madam Roslin greeted him with a polite smile. Commander. What happened to Captain Apollo? Oh, he died out there in a blackbird crash. Or maybe earlier? Lee could not remember when was the last time Laura Roslin requested for advice from her military advisor.
“I’m glad to be here. Though the reason for our meeting is rather difficult to get on with.”
“I couldn’t agree more. But being a civilian, I don’t really have a choice, do I?” She leaned to him confidentially, “the President’s order.”
“I’m sure my father could find you something to do up here, on the Galactica” Lee said quickly, without thinking.
But she did not feel offended. Instead she looked over, where the older Adama was talking to Dee and Tory.
“Yes,” Laura smiled half-sadly, half… lovingly? Lee wasn’t sure when that had happened, but somehow it seemed so natural. Laura Roslin was the best match for his father Lee could imagine. He had to admit this woman was more perfect for Bill Adama than Caroline – his own mother – and though the thought was strange, it was not as disturbing as it should be. She should really stay up here.
Lee followed Laura’s gaze to his father. She should stay here. If she doesn't, the Admiral was going to be miserable.
“Bill already offered me a few choices, but I declined them,” Laura said. “I am a teacher. I was a teacher, before I was pulled into politics, and I think that by shaping future generations I can help humanity more than by leading them to some mysterious promised land. I want that.” She looked at Lee, obviously expecting his approval.
He nodded sadly. He could do nothing but approve her choices. She may have made some mistakes, but all she ever cared about was the survival of the human race.
That couldn’t be said about Gaius Baltar. Sometimes it was hard to believe that most of the people trusted him over her, but that was democracy. The results of the public choice couldn’t be… Lee held his breath as the realization hit him. “Fixed?” He breathed out.
“What?” Laura turned to him with a strange look.
“No. Nothing,” he covered up quickly, though the eerie feeling remained. The ex-president was looking at him from under her brow, and he gazed at Dualla.
Was that what she had meant earlier? That couldn’t be! But it would explain the Admiral’s reluctance to discuss anything related to the election. It would explain Roslin’s melancholy. She had been much closer to winning this election than anyone had suspected. Yet – she had given it up.
He could ask her, right now, in fact. He could, but it didn’t feel right.
He no longer knew what felt right in this time of war. There were no morals any more, assassination was the proper choice, perhaps throwing the election out the nearest airlock would be wiser too. Then humanity would have a leader who cared, not this messed up freak. But what would it make of them? Of those responsible for the decision to give up on democracy? Capricans had lived under a democracy for so many ages one could not count – briefly Lee wondered how would other citizens feel about it – Gemenons, Librians, Aquarions?
But Laura Roslin was Caprican as well as Lee Adama, and she was faithful to her beliefs. She didn’t want to cheat, so she refused to accept the gift Dualla and others offered her. Lee couldn’t describe how relieved he felt, knowing that. She was still this Fleet’s moral compass, she was Lee Adama’s personal touchstone.
That’s what he wanted to believe in.
“Let’s sit to dinner” the Admiral neared them with a smile, took Laura’s arm, and led her to her chair. He sat opposite from her, at the head of the table. With Tigh to his right and Ellen next to him, Lee and Dualla opposite to the Tighs. Tory to Madam Roslin’s right, next to Dee.
The dinner passed in a pleasant atmosphere, though the gloomy mood hung in the air. Everyone seemed nostalgic, the Admiral and Colonel even started telling some stories about Galactica’s last years of service prior to decommissioning. Ellen wasn’t hitting on Lee, and he couldn’t guess if it was out of respect for Dee, or he just wasn’t so attractive to her anymore. That was odd though, he should be more attractive – he was higher in rank even than her husband. On the other hand – that could be the reason. She probably thought Colonel Tigh should have been the commander of Pegasus. Yes, that was probably it. And if there was one good thing about being in this position – it was making Ellen Tigh feel angry and offended.
After dinner Bill Adama walked Laura Roslin down to the temporary quarters in which she had lived since the election, and then down to the hangar bay. Lee saw them saying good bye at the shuttle that was taking the last passengers down to the surface, as he was boarding a raptor to Pegasus – and saying goodbye to Dee.
“I think I should ask him” Dualla said, and Lee tried to remember to what she was referring. All the way here she kept talking and he barely listened. He looked into her eyes, that were seeking his support.
“Perhaps…” he nodded.
“Don’t you want it? I thought you wanted it. We’re hardly ever seeing each-other. I miss you” she explained earnestly.
“I miss you too,” he said flatly, starting to comprehend where this was headed.
“You see,” she leaned forward, and put her arms around his neck. Lee suddenly felt trapped. He remembered that he had promised himself he’d try to help her solve her issues, but not right now! Not right now….
“I knew that you meant it, when you said, you weren’t going to leave me,” she whispered and a faint smile appeared on her lips. “But your work on Pegasus is taking its toll. We promised each other to try, and the only way I see right now – is to transfer over there. To be really close. Really.” She eyed him. “You want that, don’t you?”
“Of course I do.”
“So I’ll ask for a transfer.”
---
t.b.c.


Year of Hell – Chapter Six
FORGET ME NOT
---
“You gotta be kidding me!”
“I’m sorry Commander. This is what the President ordered,” Major Balder reported. She added in a softer tone “I tried my best to justify the need for over one thousand people, but his office said they need the military to help build habitable infrastructure. There is nothing more I can do.”
Lee looked at the list of transfers she presented him. A thousand men were leaving Pegasus for a better life on New Caprica. His ship was to be left with only six hundred men. That wasn’t even enough to complete the repairs the Battlestar still needed. And should the cylons return…
“This isn’t happening” he sighed involuntary.
“I’m really sorry.”
They remained silent for a long while, as if mourning the loss of those men. Those who did not die, not technically, but a part of Pegasus was dying. If things went further this way, sooner or later, the Battlestar was going towards inevitable doom.
“I have to see the Admiral,” Lee said finally.
---
The Admiral agreed with his Commander; he also realized they were helpless.
“Balar is the Commander-in-Chief of the military. The Articles obligate us to do as we are told, and trying to reason with the man is futile.”
“This makes me think it would be better if this election had been fixed,” Lee muttered.
His father gazed at him. “Do you really think that?” he asked simply, after a moment, and Lee knew he did not. His father knew that as well. That made Lee wonder if his Old Man really had anything to do with that idea, as he had suspected a few days ago. Right now it didn’t seem likely.
His pondering came to a halt as the Admiral spoke – changing the subject. “There is one more thing we need to discuss. Intra-ship transfers.” He pulled out a piece of paper. “One transfer in particular.”
“One transfer?” Lee blinked, not understanding what the Old Man meant.
“She hasn’t shared the idea with you” the Admiral guessed. “That’s kind of like her” he smiled softly.
Lee realized then, whom this chat was about. Dee had asked his opinion on the subject.
“Actually” he admitted, “she did.”
“Did she?” the Admiral appeared surprised. “Hmm. She did. That’s good. That’s really good.”
Lee gazed at his father. The Old Man seemed bothered. It was understandable, Dualla was a valuable member of his crew, and one of the people he considered… family. Lee had to admit it bitterly. He remembered, when he had first arrived on Galactica, how close some people were to his father. So much closer than he ever was… Even now…
“Would you rather have her stay here?” he asked, and regretted it immediately.
Bill Adama looked up at his son and smiled. “Of course I would.” And then his demeanor grew more serious. “But if she wants it this way… I see no reason to force her to remain on Galactica. She will be as useful to the military on Pegasus. And as for my sentiments...well, let me put it this way – I think she’ll be in good hands.” The soft smile appeared on his face again. “And so will you, I guess.”
“Yeah,” Lee sighed, not meeting his father’s eyes. He hated to admit that he wasn’t looking forward to having Dualla on Pegasus. To having Anastasia on Pegasus – he corrected himself. He loved her – he thought. He was supposed to be loving her. But all he felt was resentment.
He forced himself to lift his eyes and to smile reassuringly.
“All you have to do then” Admiral Adama said, looking at the paper he still held in his hands, “is to sign here.”
“Sure.” Lee took the transfer request and put the pen to it. His gaze fell on the name printed on the page, and his breath caught. “Kara Thrace?” he exhaled.
“Yes, Kara.” The Admiral’s brows furrowed “Whom did you think?”
Lee couldn’t answer. He tried to wrap his mind about this idea – Kara transferring to his ship, under his command. Why would she do that? Did it have anything to do with that kiss? Suddenly he felt nervous, he didn’t like where this was all going.
“Lee?” his father’s question startled him. “So, she hasn’t spoken to you about it?”
“No.”
“You thought about… Dualla?”
“Yes.”
He did not dare to look into his father’s eyes. Not when his mind was in such a maze.
The Admiral remained silent as well. Until he sighed - from the bottom of his guts.
“So the rumors are true?” he asked.
“Rumors?”
“About you and…”
“Yes.”
They fell silent again. And looked at each other this time.
“That’s good,” the Admiral said, but this time he did not smile. “That’s really good. I’ll need you to sign her transfer as well. Frak the fraternization regs.”
---
Dee’s – or Kara’s – transfers to Pegasus didn’t change things much onboard the Battlestar. The Commander was so busy with coordinating the schedules of all departments, with his crew reduced to shreds, that he had no time to meet with either his friend – who assumed the duties of CAG of the remnants of both Galactica’s and Pegasus’ air-groups – or his girlfriend – who was busy getting used to more advanced communication post on the Mercury Class Battlestar, and at the same time was trying to learn how to deal with the tactical station. Everyone had to do the job of two or three men, and that left little time for nonsense.
For Lee it was a relief. Day after day, after day, the same duties, the same briefings with his officers, the same worries. It soon became routine. Five hours of sleep, morning run, Major Balder, paperwork, CAG Thrace, paperwork, Chief Sorrensen, Captain Ruud from weapon maintenance, Captain Abramowicz from the landing bay, network specialist, viper production specialist – who in fact wasn’t really working, supplies advisor, Sergeant Soares in charge of the marines, paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The only break of this routine were not-heralded meetings with the Admiral, who tended to summon the Commander to Galactica at the weirdest hours, less often for the military purposes, more often for a family dinner.
After a while Starbuck started demanding the Commander’s attention too, forcing him to come to the gym for some boxing sparring, which he liked actually, because she wasn’t talking. Dualla wasn’t talking either, and although Lee felt relief initially, he soon started getting worried. Dee seemed to get more and more pale, more and more exhausted, silent, shadowy.
One day, when Lee returned from another dinner with his father, he found her in his bedroom, wrapped in his blanket, sobbing loudly.
“Dee?” he asked, and she jolted upright.
Started wiping her eyes rapidly, soothing the sheets on his rack, and muffling the sobs.
“Sorry…” she mumbled. “I’m sorry. Had no idea you were back already. Wouldn’t have been here. Sorry. I didn’t mean…”
He held her arms, searching for her eyes with his, but she avoided his gaze. “Dee, what’s happening?”
“It’s the only place I’m safe” she whispered. “Not here in your bed, just in your quarters. They weren’t coming in here, but today…” She shivered so violently, Lee got scared she might break into pieces right in front of him. “I should have told you sooner, I know I should, it’s the matter of security, but I wanted real proof first, just couldn’t get it. Couldn’t get him. I checked all the cameras, all the recordings, but he manages to sneak around this ship without being recognized. I think he knows where all the security cameras are, and he hides his face when he passes them, that’s why I haven’t been able…”
“Dee stop!” Lee shouted, not being able to bear her prattle any longer. She was mumbling some nonsense! She was completely incomprehensible. “Whom are you talking about?”
“A cylon” she whispered, looking at him with her eyes so full of fear.
“A cylon?”
“This must be. It’s the only explanation. That he is a cylon. Otherwise… How would he get here?”
“Who? Which model? What are you…”
“Billy.”
She said this name so silently – it was barely the movement of her lips, no sound at all.
Billy.
“What? Here? On Pegasus?”
“Yes. I saw him here couple of times. At first I thought I was seeing things and it wasn’t so often really, but those last few days… I kept seeing him everywhere. Maybe there are more than one of them? But why wouldn’t anybody else notice? They haven’t known Billy here on Pegasus, that could be the explanation, but now there are people from Galactica, and nobody said anything…”
Lee was terrified. They had a cylon right in the heart of the Fleet. This was to be predicted, there were not uncovered cylon models, they all knew that. But finding out that there really was one of them… One who’s face they all knew…
The Commander jumped to the phone.
“Where have you seen him last? When?” he asked intensely.
“Here. Right outside your quarters, he was looking inside, as if searching for something. I don’t know how long ago that was, I lost track of time, I’m sorry.” She begun to cry again. Curled into a tight ball on the floor.
“Security, code blue” Lee said to the phone “We have a cylon onboard Pegasus. Identified as the model Billy Kikeya.”
---
The search took several hours. Commander Adama, Major Balder and Sergeant Soares looked over so many tapes from the security cameras, that their heads were nearly exploding. All the personnel was reporting to their commanders, and was examined and identified. All the people were looking at one another with suspicion and fright. But Billy Kikeya was not found.
Dualla, exhausted with crying and fear, fell asleep on the couch in Commander Adama’s quarters, and when the latter returned there, after this very long day, and found her, his heart broke. He kneeled by her, and stroking her hair, fell asleep too, right there, with his head right behind hers.
He woke up in the middle of the night, stiff from sitting in this awkward position. He looked at her peaceful face, and remembered the whole conversation. “At first I thought I was seeing things” she had said. And maybe that was all there was.
The report on the search waited to be written and sent to the Admiral. Lee thought that had been one wise decision, that he had not informed other ships of the threat. That was the usual procedure, but something had stopped him from going through with it – perhaps he suspected there was no threat at all. Sighing deeply, he sat at his desk and started writing. The search was a necessary precaution, but proved to be nothing more than that.
When Anastasia woke up in the morning, Lee asked her to come with him down to Doctor Ishay. She objected at first, but he led her there nonetheless. And after a few hours of observation, and some talk between the Doc and the patient, Lee was proven right.
“She’s not the first one with a breakdown here” Layne Ishay explained to him later, when Dualla was asleep after a strong dose of sedatives. Earlier the Ensign had had another panic attack, when she thought she saw Billy as one of the nurses. Lee and the Doc were sitting in the office, discussing the diagnosis and the treatment. “It’s very common that when you experience trauma, you withdraw from it. When it’s trauma after trauma after trauma… when you expect nothing else… But pretending this bad thing did not happen doesn’t mean it was less real – and it gets back to you sooner or later. Especially if situation starts to stabilize – like it does now. We’re safer.”
“But Dualla didn’t feel safe” Lee objected. “She did not like any of this... settlement and all.”
“Perhaps because she expected – on some subconscious level – that this would mean that she’d have to deal with all the pain she pushed aside for later. She expected that when things get better, her brain would betray her. And it did. And it’s good actually, because now we can pin-point the problem, and help her deal with it. This breakdown means that she is willing to deal.” Layne smiled. It all seemed so simple when she was talking about it. Just a case to diagnose and treat. “How about you?” she asked suddenly then.
Lee looked at her, startled. “Me?”
Doc Ishay took some papers from the shelf. “I’ve taken a closer look at your records after our conversation before the race,” she started explaining. “You said you were afraid to fly…”
“Listen,” Lee interrupted. He wasn’t willing to have this conversation. “That’s past, I got over it. Everything is okay right now.”
“Commander” the Doc did not concede. “This prolonged pain in your shoulder may be a symptom of…”
“Pills are helping, alright? It does not hurt anymore.” Lee got up. “If we finished talking about Ensign Dualla, I think that would be all.”
He turned to leave, but Doc Ishay called him once more. “Commander, I suspect you’re suffering from…”
“You suspect, do you!” Lee yelled, turning back to her. “Listen, I know myself. I know what is happening with me, and I know how to handle it.” He lowered his voice to a near-whisper. “And you have been a doctor for what?… a few weeks?” He knew he was cruel, and faltered, when he saw hurt in her eyes. He hated to have hurt her like this, Layne Ishay was one of the few people he sincerely liked onboard this ship. But he needed her to stop. He couldn’t afford her, Doc Cottle, or his father digging into his head. If they knew what he had done, they would relieve him of duty, and that would mean he’d have nothing left. He was doing his job, he was doing it well, and he could control his behavior now, he knew that.
Lane Ishay took the blow and shut her mouth.
The Commander’s secret was safe again. At least for a while.
---
t.b.c.


Chapter Seven
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