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olga
o_yannik
29 November 2006 @ 10:19 am
Year of Hell - Chapters Seven, Eight and Nine  
Title: Year of Hell 7/12, 8/12, 9/12
Rating: T
Warnings: mentions of suicide, suicidal attempts;
Spoilers: Lay Down Your Burdens - “Missing Year” filler;
Character/s: Lee Adama, ensemble;
Beta: [info]ammonite7
Disclaimers: the characters and the universe of “Battlestar Galactica” do not belong to me;
Summary: I believe there was more to the weight gain, and Lee’s bad moods, than just misunderstandings with Kara Thrace. And I wish Kara at least tried to be Lee’s friend;
Author’s note: Read and please let me know that you did.
 
Year of Hell – Chapter Seven
A FEW WORDS
---
A blow! Once and again. Damn, he was loosing his edge, she nearly knocked him out!
Kara laughed that brilliant laugh of hers, so mocking, and loud, and confident. She was flourishing. That messed up, frightened girl from just a few months back was gone as if she never existed. True self-righteous Starbuck was back in full force.
“A few pushups daily would do you good, Apollo” she mocked, when his blow failed to reach her cheek again.
“I’ll wipe that smile off your face” Lee breathed out, and realized he was winded.
“You tired?” she asked with mock-concern.
“Nope.”
He punched again, and she ducked again, throwing a blow right under his ribs.
“Frak!” he gasped.
“Hope it didn’t hurt too much?”
“No!”
“So, how’s Dualla?” Starbuck asked, jumping like a crazy bunny. “Getting better?”
If she hoped to distract him, she failed. “Nasti is good. She’s back to normal duty.” Punch, punch. Nothing but air again. But at least he managed to dodge her left hook.
“Goodie” she complemented. “Maybe I’ll get you back into shape” she smiled, and suddenly Lee felt scrutinized. They were usually just teasing each other during these sparrings, but ever since Dualla’s breakdown, Kara had started to try to make conversation. As if she wanted to get him to talk about his problems, but was doing it so clumsily, it was only annoying. Frankly – Lee had enough of that with Doc Ishay persisting to get him to her office for a psyche evaluation, which he knew he’d have to obey sooner or later.
He wasn’t going to take that from Starbuck though. “How’s Anders?” he reversed the question.
“Dunno” her face hardened. “Last we talked he asked me to come down to him. Says he built a lovely tent by the river.”
Lee gave her a look. Of course he knew that Anders left for the planet at about the same time she transferred to Pegasus. And he couldn’t say it made him feel bad, even though he thought he should feel for Starbuck. But she did not appear to be missing her boyfriend all that much. She appeared quite happy, in fact, finding a lot of entertainment in mocking her Commander each time they met. Which meant a couple times a day. If she didn’t have some roster planning to discuss, she’d find some insubordinate pilot who needed to be reprimanded, or at least gossiped about. If she couldn’t find naughty boys or girls in her class, she’d drag him down to the gym, complaining of boredom. He was spending more time with Starbuck lately, than with Dee. It made him feel guilty at times. If Anders was up here, things would be more balanced – he thought. Or if Kara went down there… that thought sent shivers down his spine.
“Are you going?” he teased, but his stomach twisted in anticipation of her answer.
Instead she punched and missed him, and then his blow finally pushed air from her lungs.
“Ough! That's the Apollo I remember” she puffed out.
“Need a break?” now it was his turn for mock-concern.
“We could use a few sips of water,” she smiled, and stepped down from the ring.
He followed her. They sat on the bench in silence and, though it was good to be silent with Starbuck, she couldn’t keep it too long.
“I was wondering if I should move to the surface” she said calmly. “I mean what’s the use of us up here?”
Lee nearly choked on the water he was drinking. He realized he did ask her that, just a moment ago, but her blunt statement caught him off guard.
“Are you kidding me?” he asked, not hiding his indignation. “We’re the only fence between those civies down on the ground and the cylons! You can’t be seriously considering quitting!”
Starbuck gave him a look that he couldn’t quite identify. There was an eerie mixture of feelings deep in her eyes, and then her eyelids hid them from him.
“I dunno” she muttered turning away, and taking a long sip from the bottle. “The cylons said they were going away. They left us in peace.”
“Peace,” he repeated. “And you believe that?”
“I think I want to,” she admitted softly. “Don’t you?” she turned to him again, and gave him a look as if she was… maybe… trying to convince him to come to the planet, too. No, that was not possible.
“Don’t I what?” he asked trying to push that last thought out of his mind. “Don’t I want to believe the cylons?” he repeated the phrase. “No, I do not.”
“And you don’t want to move down to the surface?” she asked, but her tone suggested a statement more than a question. So she did try… she did probe if she could try to convince him.
“No” he said persuasively… and faltered. Didn’t he? Didn’t he want to believe the cylons? Didn’t he want all this war and fight and running to be really over, to start a new life in peace and quiet in a lovely tent by the river? “I do” he whispered, and bowed his head, not wanting her to see his face. “I want nothing more than that,” he continued in a soft voice. “But we can’t, Kara. We have our responsibilities and our wits, that tell us we cannot trust the cylons. They are lying and deceiving us. You know that, don’t you?” He looked at her, and waited for her to nod. She had to acknowledge that he was right. “I know this isn’t fair - that Anders is down there and you are up here, but if there was something I could do to get him a job on Pegasus, I would."
She gave him an almost furious look.
“You’re so dense, Adama” she spat, and got up. “Let’s get back to what we do best.” She threw his gloves at him.
He just stood there. He knew now what she meant. All those little questions, not so subtle even. All those endeavors around the subject, not saying anything straight, not asking anything straight. Yes, she was right, they weren’t good at conversations, they were better at beating the crap out of each other. This wasn’t what a relationship could be built on.
“This isn’t gonna work” he muttered.
“What?” she turned, not understanding, but as she looked at him, she guessed. “Oh. That. Why?” she asked and looked as if she wanted to take the question back. He wanted her to take it back, too.
“For many reasons” he mumbled.
“Yeah, I know. We’re both involved, you love Dualla, blah, blah, blah, bullshit!” She hit the corner with such force the ropes buzzed from strain.
“Kara…”
“Sorry. I’m being stupid. Let’s box.”
He stepped up on the ring and uneasily waited for her to turn towards him. But she did not. She stood, her left palm clutched tightly on the rope, the gloves dangling in her right hand.
“If the situation were different, then maybe…” he started softly.
“Frak yourself.” She half turned to him and pierced him with her green eyes.
“Listen I can try to get Anders…” he tried, but she interrupted.
“Frak Anders.” She took one step, and stood right before him now, face to face, so close. “You’re using some silly excuses, Anders, Dualla. Frat regs maybe? This is all bullshit!” she pulled him hard and their lips met. She held his head close to hers, and kissed him and he couldn’t help, but kiss her back. Of course she was right.
Of course all those things that were not named straight – only through references – were there and were real, and were wanted, desired. And how did it happen, that she saw it first, and more clearly? How did it happen that she actually pressed to go into that forbidden territory, while not so long ago she denied anything between them existed? She was shifting so fast, had as many faces as a hydra. And he loved each and every one of them.
He tangled his fingers with her hair, loosened her pony-tail, let her soft locks fall dawn on her shoulders. Kissed her deeply, allowing himself to feel this love, this desire. It came flooding over him with an unstoppable wave, warming his limbs up to the tips of his fingers. The flush of emotions made him dizzy. He held onto her tightly, to stop himself from falling; the world was spinning under his feet, blood thundered in his ears as her warm lips bit through the last lines of defense that had been guarding him from the outside world.
He couldn’t breathe. His breath caught, he forgot how to draw air, he only wanted to taste her. He wanted to forget about reality. He wanted this one special moment to never stop, to always be. Always. But seconds were ticking by, the world began to change around him. Kara shifted her position, kissed him deeper, and with his guard down Lee was helpless.
Good emotions cannot be separated from bad ones, and all the fear, grief, and exhaustion from which he had protected himself was about to fall upon him along with joy and love - it would crush him.
Utterly shocking himself and even more, startling Kara, he choked a sob. He wouldn’t be able to control his reaction, it was going to escape from his grasp, and he knew what was coming – it was a breakdown. He nearly let himself go for a moment and – just like Doc Ishay said about Dualla – his brain was about to betray him.
But he was stronger than Dualla. He had practiced self-control for so many years, and he had it genetically imprinted into his persona. Gritting his teeth, he managed to regain a hold over himself.
“Lee?” Kara’s concerned voice reached his mind.
“I’m sorry.” He pushed himself away from her. He couldn’t do it. He couldn’t do that to her. Couldn’t burden her with this. “I told you this isn’t going to work. We can’t…”
“Lee!”
“No. No, there’s too much… Too much going on right now. With me, with Dualla - Anastasia. I can’t, and you should… I can’t force you to carry all this baggage with you, you need…”
“Lee, stop this nonsense! You’re frakked up…”
“Yes! Yes, I am. And you’re not, so why don’t you take your chance at happiness and use it. For once in your life – be happy. And if Anders is the one, who can give it to you – take it! Because I have nothing to give to you!” He held her by her arms and screamed the words into her face. When he saw fear in her eyes, he realized what he was doing. He had to stop. He needed to get a grip.
---
Even though Lee wished Kara would turn to Anders, he couldn’t bear the thought that she might leave the Pegasus – and him – and go to the planet. So the first thing he did, was to call for Anders to come up with the nearest transport of supplies. The ex-pyramid player was surprised, but he complied. He probably thought it would be easier to convince Starbuck to come with him if he spoke to her face-to-face.
But it wasn’t Commander Adama’s plan. Lee was intending to offer him a post in the marine’s squad. He intended to do everything in his might to keep Kara close, though at arm’s length. Some voice in the back of his head kept whispering this were not a very rational action, but he ignored that voice.
He invited Starbuck and Anders to the dinner to his quarters.
At first everything seemed natural and calm, even though Starbuck was a little hostile towards Anastasia. Things started getting out of control just before the dessert. Dee – being the hostess – started taking the plates from the table. They had extremely limited kitchen personnel, so most of the cooking she’d done herself, and she also had to serve and clean between the meals. Almost as if it was no real Battlestar, but a house somewhere on Caprica.
“Was that what you dreamt about when you were hitting on the Admiral’s son?” Kara asked suddenly. The light of the candle, filtered through the green of ambrosia, danced on her cheeks and reflected in her eyes.
Anastasia stopped with two plates in her hands, and looked at Starbuck, surprised. Lee gasped, and even Anders appeared startled by this obvious provocation.
“Because I can imagine you wanted a different life,” Kara started explaining. She put her glass down and waved her hand in an over-exaggerated gesture. “I can picture you as the neat wife of the high-profile figure, be it the president, or the fleet’s admiral or whoever is high enough for your grace.”
“I think you should stop with this ambrosia,” Lee commented softly, his heart in his throat at the memory of Kara’s words about Dee back then, when she returned from SAR to Caprica. He sincerely hoped the Captain would not sink as low as she had then.
“It’s alright,” Dualla said with dignity as she placed the plates back on the table. Lee noticed her hands were shaking slightly. “I can defend myself before such low accusations. I’ve dealt with them from quite a while. I don’t know why everybody thinks I’m some cheap – or rather expensive, considering – whore, but the truth is I am with Lee because I love him. And he loves me.”
“Right,” Starbuck snorted, her eyes glistening dangerously.
“You probably don’t even know what love is, Starbuck” Dualla leaned over the table to the blonde on the opposite side, and started explaining, as if she was talking to a child. “See, love is when you are by your loved one’s side in hard times. When you support him in need, not just have fun when it’s all nice and shiny. And that’s what we are to each other – me and Lee. That’s what you never were to anybody, because all you’re capable of is taking, sucking out and throwing away the waste,” Dee finished, hissing.
Kara got up and leveled her gaze with that of the shorter Saggitaron. “I suppose you loved Billy just as strongly, earlier. Funny thing that he was the President’s aide.” She cocked her head to the side. “A coincidence?”
“I loved Billy,” Dualla stated, putting pressure on each word. Lee saw that her lips were trembling, as if she wanted to add something, but was unable to choke out the words, the flood of emotions too strong for her to bear right now.
Kara was cruel. She knew exactly where to hit, to cause the worst damage. She was a warrior, even when it came to people she competed with. She was used to being victorious, and she saw victory just at her grasp.
Lee hated this. This whole situation, it made him sick to the stomach. He knew he should do something, he should stop Starbuck right then and there, but instead he sat transfixed, and watched the drama evolving in front of his eyes.
Starbuck’s face twisted in a cruel, mocking smile. “Right. You loved Billy so much, you started frakking the Admiral’s son before Billy’s body was even cold!” She shouted straight into Dualla’s face.
Dee inhaled through clenched teeth. Her eyes flashed with hatred. And suddenly she hit right back, with equal force and cruelty. “Lee was fighting for his life then. In case you don’t remember, he got shot by...”
“You bitch!” Kara shrieked, as Dee’s words cut right to the core, right to the deepest, unhealed wound the pilot carried. Having nothing else to say, nothing else that could hurt Dualla more than she was hurt right now, the Captain threw herself up on the table and over the smaller figure of the thin girl.
They fell to the floor between the clatter of breaking glass, porcelain, leftovers. Lee was like hypnotized with horror. This was not happening. This was not real. The screams of both girls barely registered with his bewildered mind; he barely noticed a larger figure – Samuel Anders – who tried to separate Kara from Dee, he did not hear Sam calling to him for help.
When Kara, with final effort – struggling with both Dee and Sam – hooked into her rival’s skull and Dualla was knocked to the floor, Lee could not bear it any longer. He fled to the back of his quarters, to the safety of his bedroom, where the ugliness of the brawl could not reach him.
---
t.b.c.
 
Year of Hell – Chapter Eight
LOST CHANCES
---
Lee couldn’t stop trembling. He realized that his reactions were unbefitting, but he couldn’t control his body – his brain was working alright, his stomach on the contrary – refused to cooperate. He barely made it to the toilet before throwing up the whole dinner he’d just eaten. Then he looked back at the hatch to the main room, breathing with difficulty. He didn’t hear any sounds of quarrel or fight. Either the door was sound-proof, or they had stopped. Maybe Anders had dragged Kara out? Maybe Dee needed his attention? Maybe she was hurt?
But Lee couldn’t make his limbs obey. He was sitting there, on the cold head floor, and gazed at the door. And he kept asking himself what had happened to him? Who was this person he no longer recognized? And when had the change occurred? A couple of days ago? While sparring with Kara? After their kiss? He knew only that he hadn’t really slept since, dreams of drowning and her drowning with him were too haunting to bear. He couldn’t think clearly, even Major Balder had noticed how distracted he had been this morning.
This was it, he thought. He had finally reached a point where he had to make a decision. Where he had to admit… what did that note from Ishay say?… That he was depressed, and his ability to command a military vessel needed to be reevaluated? No. He could not admit that. He could not go to his father and tell him he couldn’t deal with the Beast. He couldn’t bear disappointment in the Old Man’s eyes.
He failed in every department. As a commander, a son, a friend and a lover. He failed.
And he couldn’t face it.
Lee pulled out his firearm and eyed it for a long time, weighing the odds. He could hear the rush of blood in his ears – ta-dum, ta-dum. But what else could he do? He tried to think of a way out, but the only way led through the main room of his quarters, where he had left his girlfriend to be massacred by his friend. One evidence of his failure followed by another.
There was only one final failure to be accomplished.
He lifted the gun and pressed it against his chin. Yes. This was it. Just a few more heartbeats, ten maybe.
Ta-dum.
He should have done it a long time ago. Should have listened to his instincts.
Ta-dum.
He knew this was right. The calmness that engulfed him now, proved it.
Ta-dum. Ta-dum.
Only his heart was racing faster. How many more? Six?
Ta-dum, ta-dum.
Four?
Ta-dum, ta-dum, ta-dum...
"What an ass are you?” A scream from the doorway nearly made him pull the trigger. He let the palm holding the gun fall down and inhaled sharply, realizing he was holding his breath. He didn’t draw the final breath… “You left me there with that crazy… What is that?”
Lee’s hand still held the gun loosely in his lap. He looked at it as if seeing it for the first time. He had failed again. He got up, secured his firearm and put it into a holster. He was calm. He couldn’t remember the last time he was able to think so clearly.
Turned to Nastia and looked into her frightened, questioning eyes.
“I have to go,” he told her softly. “Everything will be okay.” Lifted his palm – the one that almost killed him just moments ago – and stroked the bruise on her cheek. “I need to get help.”
Other choices died out. He had to turn himself over to the doctor and hope for a light verdict.
He marched purposefully towards the Life Station. As he stepped into the Doc’s office, Layne Ishay lifted her eyes at him, surprised. He closed the door firmly and sat opposite from her at her desk.
“I tried to kill myself,” he said simply.
Doc Ishay inhaled and exhaled deeply. Twice. Before she was able to reply.
“When was that?”
“Just a moment ago.” Lee unbuckled his holster and put it down on her desk. “With this.”
Cautiously she reached out and moved the gun out of his reach.
“Why did you decide against it?” she asked.
“Dee came in on me. It was purely coincidental. If it wasn’t for her, I would have done it this time.”
“This time? You mean you tried to kill yourself before?”
Lee hesitated. Why did he say ‘this time’? “No” he breathed out. No, he had never tried something like that. Why would he? In fact – why did he now? He could not remember. He just looked at Doc Ishay, shaking his head.
“Alright” she sighed. “Can you tell me…how have you been feeling lately? Sad?”
“I don’t know.”
“Anxious? Empty?”
“Empty more likely.”
“Have you had any problems with sleep?”
“Not more than usual.”
“Eating? You seem to have gained some weight.”
The questions followed. Lee tried to answer them as honestly as he could, but it still bothered him that there were things he found hard to recall. He remembered Dualla’s breakdown, but when the Doc asked him about Starbuck, he got confused; he wasn’t seeing Kara that often, she was on Galactica… wasn’t she?
He sat at the Doc’s office very long, she ordered some blood tests, ECG, EEG. He was paged a couple of times by CIC, but she must have told them he was unavailable, because he hadn’t heard them call him later. She talked a lot to him too, asked many questions, and some of his memories returned. Those about kissing Kara and how it had shaken him. He told Doc Ishay all about it, and she listened patiently, making notes.
Finally – Lee had no idea how much time had passed – she decided to tell him what she considered to be the problem. “Like I thought, Commander, you suffer from depression. You've probably been dealing with it for months. It actually proves your strength that you survived this long without treatment.”
Lee smiled bitterly. Strength… or simply luck. If he could call it luck. Perhaps misfortune would be better, it would be so much easier to not have to deal with all this right now. He felt so tired.
“I’m gonna have to ask Cottle to…” Layne was explaining some possible treatments, and the older Doc’s name registered with Lee.
“No.” He reacted abruptly.
Doc Ishay looked at him, startled.
“You can’t tell Cottle. Or my father.” Lee pleaded against his better judgment. He was well aware of what the consequences were; he had known it all along. It was why he had avoided asking for help for so long. There was no way that someone emotionally unstable could command a war ship, but the mere thought of such a radical change in his life, filled him with dread.
What would he do?
He knew he sealed his doom by coming down here; he couldn't expect Ishay to comply with his request to let him keep his post. Why would she?
But there was something unusual about Layne Ishay, something that made him trust her in spite of everything. Earlier he’d thought that it was the fact that she’d saved his father’s life, but now he had a feeling there was more to it. There was that strange bond between them, not love, not even friendship, but something beyond that. As if somewhere… somehow… in a different life maybe… they were really close to one another.
So he tried to explain his feelings to her. “I don’t want them to relieve me of duty.”
She nodded quietly in understanding and sighed deeply. “You know that I am required to report all serious conditions to the authorities? Those that might endanger others?” She waited for the Commander to nod; all Lee could do was to bow his head in defeat. “However…” her hesitant whisper surprised him, and he looked up. She was struggling with her conscience, and as their eyes met, she made a decision. “Technically we’re not in danger now. We’re not at war, so perhaps we can postpone this report, and see how you improve within the next few weeks.”
Lee looked at Doc Ishay, shocked how she was able to read his mind.
“If the situation was different I’d relieve myself,” he said earnestly, hoping that was true. Though given his recent denial, he was afraid he might not be able to allow things to get out of his control, to allow others to decide for him.
Layne looked at him skeptically. She knew that. She read him so easily.
“Nonetheless,” she sighed after a considerable pause. “I must know your condition at all times. And I must inform your XO.”
“Major Balder? Couldn’t we?…”
“No. We couldn’t. She is directly under your command, and she has to know what she’s dealing with. I will only brief her; you can tell her the details if you find it necessary. I would also strongly recommend that your friends knew about your condition. Ensign Dualla, Lieutenant Thrace. Whoever else you choose. But I leave it up to you to tell them. You are the one who’s going to be fighting this, and you have to choose your allies.” She used the military comparison. And she smiled. “You know I am one of them.”
Lee was aware of how much she was risking by hiding his condition from his superior. And he wasn’t going to fail her. He really wanted to believe things could get better.
---
Lee had no idea how long he was stuck in Life Station, but when he left, the corridors of Pegasus were empty and silent. He didn't expect it to be different in his quarters, so the light coming from the bedroom startled him.
Dee was up, reading a book. She put it away, spotted him and got up. There were a few stitches on her cheek and a nasty gash.
“Does it hurt?” he asked softly, nearing her.
“No,” she bowed, as if ashamed of her appearance. “They gave me pain-killers. They’re wearing off though, I’m gonna' have to take another pill soon,” she rambled, and then she stopped. And looked at him. “How are you?”
Lee’s first impulse was to say he was fine, but he faltered. “Not good,” he managed, not looking up at her. What was he supposed to tell her? Ishay said he should ask his friends – Dee and Starbuck, how ironic – for help. But could he, really? “Dee… Anastasia… I think we should end this” he whispered.
“This?” she repeated. “What?”
“This. Us.” Lee finally looked at her. “I can’t… I can’t let you… I’m a mess right now, Nasti. And you’ve been through hell lately, too. You deserve better than this, you should…”
“I should?” she cut in. “How are you so wise, that you know what I need, or what I want? You know what? You don’t. I think that it would be better if you asked what I want.”
Lee swallowed hard. In a way she was right. “What do you want?” he asked.
“I want to be with you. Because what I told Starbuck is true – I love you and love means support in hard times. You were there for me. Now it’s my turn.”
She smiled gently, and Lee slowly nodded. But as he was undressing and preparing to sleep, he couldn’t help but think there was something missing in this conversation. Dee didn’t really ask what was wrong. She didn’t even mention what she had seen when she came in on him in the head. As if it didn’t even happen. Or as if it didn’t matter to her, and all she wanted was to prove her point to Starbuck and everybody else.
---
Lee was leafing through the reports Kara had brought him, but wasn’t reading them. Instead he was wondering what Kara had told Dee when instructed to apologize. Dee said she wasn’t sure if she should feel apologized to, or more offended. Kara could do just that – smile at you while rubbing your face in dirt. And you wouldn’t even notice.
When his signatures were on the papers, he placed them on the growing pile on the side of his desk. But Kara was still standing there as if expecting something.
“Anything else, Captain?” he asked, and she lifted her eyes, eyes that were saying volumes. And suddenly they shut.
“No, sir” she snapped. And then sort of changed her mind. “Actually… I request permission to go to Galactica, sir.”
“Since when do you need my permission?” Lee squinted at her. “You can shuffle yourself back and forth if that’s what you need to do.”
“Yes, but… it’s not about the job” she admitted. “It’s personal, sir.”
Lee sighed and nodded. “Alright then. Permission granted.”
She saluted sharply and left the room.
Lee leaned back in his chair and rubbed his face. He couldn’t read Kara; he couldn’t guess what she wanted. Was it about Anders? The man was about to leave for the planet in a day or two, maybe Kara was angry about that? Lee was tired of it, he was tired of everything. The medications he was taking were making him fuzzy enough. He got up to get himself a cup of coffee. He needed something to get himself started, the pile on his desk was growing rapidly and dangerously. He wondered if there suddenly were more reports than usual, but after a moment he admitted that it was him, who was working slower. He was sick, thus he was not sufficient in his work any more. He had to talk about it with Layne in the afternoon. There probably was nothing that could be done. Withdrawing from treatment right now was out of the question, and he really wanted to get better this time. He wanted to believe things could get better.
He took a handful of papers from his desk to study them on the couch. He had just signed a few reports without even reading them; he had to make up for it immediately. What did Kara bring? A report form an uneventful CAP around New Caprica, a report on drunk and disorderly behavior of the three pilots in the rec room, a recommendation for Lieutenant Gray to be promoted to Captain and the CAG – what the heck was that for? Next – a request to be relieved of duty, and allowed to move planetside. Signed by… Captain Kara ‘Starbuck’ Thrace.
“What the frak!” Lee spilled the coffee on the table, happily avoiding the pile of papers. “Shit!” he reached for the phone, at the same time trying to wipe the fluid with some cloth he found on the floor, probably his own tank-top. His quarters were getting untidy. “Give me Captain Thrace!” he shouted to the operator. Was it Dee? Most likely.
“I’m sorry, sir” she replied. “Captain Thrace has left the Pegasus and is currently docking on the Galactica. Do you want me to put you through to her raptor?”
“No.” Lee hesitated for a moment. “Give me flight control.” He waited for a soft ‘click’, and a ‘helo’ from the officer on the other side. “This is the Commander. Prepare me a raptor, right now!”
He couldn’t let her go like that!
---
t.b.c.
 
Year of Hell – Chapter Nine
CHOICES AND FALLOUTS
---
The hatch to the Admiral’s quarters thumped against the door frame as Lee stormed into the room. He was welcomed by three pairs of shocked eyes, hesitated at the sight of the Admiral and the Colonel, but then his gaze was caught by the green pupils of Kara, and anger boiled again.
“You’re not going to do this,” he hissed, stepping into her personal space and indicating the resignation that had remained grasped in his hand from the moment he’d read it.
She just stared at him speechless. She certainly had not expected this kind of reaction.
“Lee, calm down.” The harsh voice of the Admiral reached him, but he ignored it.
“With all due respect, I am calm sir! Kara? Say you’re not going to do this.”
She looked up, and in her eyes he saw determination. “What do you want from me, Apollo?” she uttered. “I tried, alright? I tried really hard to be your friend, to be there for you. But I’m not exactly good at this kind of stuff. All I can do is frak it up! And so I did...”
“What are you talking about?” he interrupted. “This isn’t about me. Or about you, or about any fraking friendship. This is about the entire Fleet, about all the people down there, responsibility..."
“Well, maybe I’m tired of it?” she screamed into his face. “Maybe I’m tired of responsibility, of giving up on my life all the time, of sacrificing everything that I have! Maybe I want something for myself for a change!”
“This is betrayal. You were sworn...”
“And I’m not deserting. I’m asking permission from my commanding officers. I got yours already.”
Lee gritted his teeth. He could not deny that. His signature was there, black on white.
“Maybe you should read what you sign,” she added in a whisper. She could not push his buttons any harder.
“If you go out this door, Kara, you have nothing to return here for,” he hissed. “I don’t ever want to see you again. Ever.”
“Not a big deal, Apollo. I don’t owe you anything, and neither do you owe me; there’s nothing here. We’ve proven this to each other enough times.”
Lee cast her one final glance and turned around to leave. His father’s voice caught up with him once more.
“Don’t leave Galactica, Commander,” the Old Man said gruffly. “I expect you back here in my office in half an hour.”
Frak! That was just what Lee needed. “Yes, sir!” he replied, not turning back.
---
When he got back to his father’s quarters, his fury diminished and remorse settled in. But he had to put that feeling off for later, as he was expecting a lecture first.
The Old Man made him wait. Told him to sit at his desk while – in complete silence – he made coffee. Then he stood before the bookshelf for a moment, staring at the volumes. Sighed several times.
And finally he sat behind his desk and looked at Lee.
“Commander,” he started, and Lee was thankful that this was a formal conversation, rather than a father-son heart-to-heart. “I understand that it is hard to lose a good officer, and Starbuck is one. But this kind of behavior is unacceptable.”
“I’m sorry.”
“You didn’t read the resignation she gave you?”
Lee could only answer with silence and bowed his head. This was it. His father was going to demote him and throw him to the brig for neglecting his duties. He deserved it.
“What’s gotten into you?” came a soft question. A worried question. Lee had no answer, either. “Son, I know that Kara is your friend.” The Admiral turned fatherly all of a sudden. “I know that you count on her to always be by your side. I know that feeling. . .”
“You do?” Lee suddenly looked up and asked as quickly. “So tell me… How would you feel if your best friend abandoned you like that? If Colonel Tigh presented you with his resignation?”
“I don’t have to imagine my reaction to Saul leaving. I feel as bad about Kara – I counted on her too.”
“So why are you letting her go that easily?”
“Who says it was easily?” The Admiral fell silent, waiting for the words to sink it. After a moment he continued. “But I have to understand her point of view. Starbuck is a person who needs to act; she can’t be trapped, and what is she here, but trapped? What do we do up here, but wait for the cylons to reappear? She’s not a person who waits. Down on the surface she will at least take active part in building the future for the people. And I’ll tell you this, Lee – if Saul asked me to let him go as well – I would. Because I don’t want to keep anyone trapped here.”
“And what if it was me?” asked Lee, and immediately knew it was the wrong question to ask.
The Admiral stared at him, not blinking. “If it was you? Wanting to leave?” He repeated the question. And then answered with another. “Would you really?”
Lee looked at his father for a very long time, considering his answer. Would he, really? He thought he would. Not so long ago he’d thought that had been what he’d wanted. But he had had a chance, hadn’t he? An easy way out – there had been someone willing to say he’d not been fit for active duty, and then he’d be free to decide whatever he’d wanted to do with his life. The problem was – he had no idea what it might be.
“I didn’t think so,” the Admiral answered, not waiting for his son’s response any longer. He either guessed, or assumed the answer was what he imagined it to be. “But if you did, I would let you go. You know that.”
Right, Lee wanted to snort, but he knew better than that. And then something crossed his mind. If his father was so understanding, if he really was willing to recognize the needs of everybody around – Kara, Tigh – then why not his?
“I think I'm...” he started and hesitated. But what the heck! “I dunno. Kind of... depressed,” he said tentatively.
“Depressed?” Bill asked incredulously. “Well, so are we all,” he stated with a small smile. “I pretty much feel down too, seeing Galactica disintegrate. It’s all going to hell. But it’s a measure of a man – what he does in challenging situations like this. You don’t give in. You stay strong, even if no one expects you to. Because it’s in your head, son – that’s where your moral compass is. If there’s no one to tell you what to do, you have to be able to tell yourself. And that’s what makes you a good commander.”
Lee sat and blankly listened to his Old Man’s tirade. He knew he did not live up to the Admiral’s expectations; he did not live up to the position he had been assigned. You don’t give in? He had given in... completely. So completely, he had wanted to resign from it in the most cowardly way – by killing himself.
“I’ll get a grip then,” Lee whispered when his father finished. He hoped he still had a chance at redemption.
---
Kara did leave for New Caprica. She did not even come to say ‘good bye’, perhaps wanted to avoid crossing paths with Dualla – Lee assumed bitterly. Then the days followed with ultimate consistency. Consistency was good, it gave some sense of safety.
Just like before – a few hours of sleep, morning run, Major Balder, paperwork, CAG Grey, paperwork, and so on and so on. There was one thing different from the routine Lee had had before his breakdown – daily meetings with Doc Ishay. Not longer than a few minutes usually, but after just a couple of days he started looking forward to them. He realized Ishay was very inexperienced in this field, and she probably was consulting with Cottle in some, known-only-to-her, way. But she was trying, and her unyielding faith in Lee Adama made up for her lack of knowledge.
There were the usual dinners with his father and the Tighs, only now Lee brought Anastasia with him more and more often. Although Bill Adama sometimes requested to meet with his son alone. Somehow it was nice, gave the impression of family bonding, on the other hand it was difficult to put a good face on some subjects his father wanted to discuss. Sometimes Lee came back from those meetings exhausted, as if he’d fought a battle with eight cylon raiders. Luckily those dinners didn't happen all that often.
He never spoke with Dualla about the incident in the head, or about that particular dinner in general. For the first few weeks she eyed him oddly whenever he buckled his holster. She probably thought he didn’t notice the sideways glances, but he did. A firearm was a part of the uniform though, and he was bound to have it with him during service hours.
He didn’t feel tempted to use it. Never again, not in that way. He could not understand what had gotten into him back then, but he preferred not to think about it – it was too difficult. The only moments he allowed himself to open up were those minutes with the Doc. Apparently Layne Ishay was the only person he could open his mind to. But it was her job... after all.
The medications she gave him were helping too. He started feeling much calmer, was able to enjoy things he used to like before – physical exertion, or even simple contact with other people. He found it easier to concentrate at command tasks, and finally he was even able to grant Major Balder permission to go for shore leave to New Caprica. She’d filed the request before he’d fallen apart, and obviously he couldn’t afford to let her go when he’d been such a mess. But as he started getting better, he decided to try his luck at commanding the Beast single-handedly. She objected of course, but was so tempted by fresh air and the skyline, she didn’t really need much pushing. So Commander Adama stayed alone at the top for a few days.
Unfortunately, antidepressants have some less likable side-effects, too. There were days, or rather nights, when he couldn’t find pleasure in physical closeness with Anastasia. He’d feel her climax, sometimes more than once, while he’d only get more and more tired. Finally he would stop and she would whisper, “It’s okay,” while stroking his back. “It’s okay, next time will be better.” And the next time sometimes was better, and sometimes wasn’t. But he hated her saying it.
“It’s just a side-effect. Ishay said something like that could happen.”
Yes, she did. She also said he might feel sleepy, or agitated, lose or gain weight. And when he looked at himself in the mirror he hated what he saw. He hated that his face was changing, swelling, he hated that he was losing his build, all traces of the pilot he once had been – vanishing.
He hated his slowness. Sometimes he thought that in this department, efficiency at work, the medications were doing more harm than good. Or maybe it was because Major Balder wasn’t present? Tons of reports after reports - under reports, over reports. It was all making him mad at the world all over again. And on nights like this, after hardly satisfying love-making with his girlfriend, when he knew he would not fall asleep easily, he sat on the couch and read, wrote, thought and sighed heavily from time to time.
“What so troublesome?” There came a quiet voice from the doorway. Dualla was standing there, clad in her tank-top and sweatpants with a blanket over her shoulders. “Need a hand?”
So he gave her some of the reports to read. They sat up long that night and the next night too, and the next. Dee even worked on some stuff in her off shift time. Eventually most of the overload was resolved, and Lee felt grand relief, knowing that he was not going to face his XO looking like he couldn’t cope with all the bureaucracy.
---
t.b.c.
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